Scott (brother), Nancy, Janet (step mom), Bill (birth father), Jon (brother)
As I write today, my heart is full to overflowing with the love I have for the people in my life that I call my family.
My story starts September 7, 1969.
I was born at Grace Hospital in Calgary, Alberta.
When I was seven weeks old, I was adopted.
My adoptive parents, Levi and Evie, were 33 and 34 years old and had a little girl named Mary who was 3 ½ years old. My mom (Evie) had lost 4 babies at different stages of pregnancy and was strongly advised by her doctor not to try to have another pregnancy. Dad and Mom desperately wanted a sibling for Mary, and that is what led them to adopting me.
They brought me home to Three Hills, Alberta, and named me Nancy Jane.
My mom reports that when they first brought me home I was very quiet and rarely cried, however, after being home for a few days and realizing that every time I cried, I got picked up, cared for and loved, well… the story goes… that I was never quiet again!
“From my earliest memories, I knew that I was deeply loved, cared for and wanted by my new family. I loved my big sister dearly and bugged her endlessly to play with me.”
I knew from the age of about 4 or 5 that I was adopted. My parents were very open with me about it. I don’t know how much I really understood at the beginning, however, no matter how much my parents assured me of their love, I knew that someone hadn’t wanted me. I was different from my family not only in my personality but in my looks. I used to dread when people would mention how different I looked from my parents and Mary. I often felt like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. I grew up struggling to figure out where I fit, longing to look like someone, and desperately curious about the parents who gave me up and why they didn’t want me. I struggled with the same questions that so many adoptees struggle with… why was I given up… did they love me… do they think about me… would they be proud of me?
My adoption had been a closed adoption and the records were sealed, so I knew it would be almost impossible to ever meet my birth parents. I would spend literally hours reading and rereading my adoption papers that gave a physical description of my birth parents and imagine what they might look like. I knew that they were very young, in school, and not in a position to be able to care for me.
I went on to marry and have two daughters. When my oldest daughter was born, I remember being so excited, because for the first time in my life… someone looked like me!
“When I became a mother and realized the depth with which I loved my daughters… my curiosity about my own birth mother, and how or why she gave me up, began to grow. I had a new and different perspective on what that may have been like for her. ”
Nancy with oldest daughter, Cecelia
In the mid 1990’s, the Alberta government decided that adoptees could apply for their birth name. Once we were given our birth name, we could hire a private agency, who could then, using our newly found birth name, obtain our file from the government and make contact with our birth families.
With the blessing of my parents and Mary, I went through this process and cannot tell you the fear and excitement and anticipation that was coursing through my body in the weeks that I went through this process. I had waited 26 years to meet my birth mom and here it was finally happening.
When I heard back from the private agency, you can imagine my disappointment when I found out that my birth mothers’ family had signed a veto refusing to meet me. It felt like the wind had been sucked out of me, and I was truly mourning the loss of someone I had never met. The agent told me that she had made contact with my birth grandmother who would not let her speak to my birth mother. My birth grandmother told the agent that it was too upsetting to my birth mother to meet me, and it would cause too much upset in the family as they had not even told their other children that my mother had been pregnant. The agent asked me if I would like her to contact my birth father, however, I was so devastated over the veto and was scared to face a second rejection, so I declined, and my file was returned to the Alberta government.
Mary (sister), Evie (mom), Levi (dad), Nancy
In 1999, my Dad Levi passed away from cancer, and in 2002 we lost my wonderful husband Pedro to cancer. As I grieved the loss of these wonderful men in my life, I also realized that each year that passed by, there was the possibility that one of my birth grandparents or one of my birth parents might pass away, forever closing the possibility of ever meeting.
Around 2005, the Alberta government opened up the adoption records. I was able to apply for my file and soon received it in the mail. Due to the veto in place, all information in my file about my birth mother and her family was whited out, however, my birth father’s name, date of birth, and last known address in Calgary were all in the file.
“Reading through my file was very emotional for me. I was able to see my birth mother’s handwritten answers as to why she had given me up for adoption and how much she loved me. I also read notes written by a nurse and doctor about how hard my mother had cried when I was taken away. ”
I cried as I read that I was in foster care for the first six weeks, at which time I was returned to the hospital dehydrated, malnourished and with severe diaper rash. That was the first time my Mom Evie realized why I hadn’t cried when I first came home… due to the extreme neglect.
My sister Mary encouraged me to look for my birth father, Bill, however, I was just too fearful of a second rejection, and I also did not know how to begin a search for him.
In 2010, shortly after the birth of my second grandson, I was on Facebook one day and decided to enter my birth father’s name into the search bar. As you can imagine, there were numerous men with the same name, however, one man in particular stood out to me. He was from Calgary, had dark hair and green eyes and fit the general description that I had in my birth records.
Nancy and Bill (birth father)
I decided to give it a chance and wrote a brief private message to him, simply asking him if he knew a family with my birth mother’s last name in 1969. I waited a full month, thinking that I must have made a big mistake. Then one morning, I heard the sound that a Facebook Messenger message had come in. It was him and he had replied yes!
We messaged back-and-forth and he confirmed his date of birth for me, and it matched my file! In the course of that few minutes, I learned that his mother was still alive and about to turn 90, and I had two half brothers. I sat and wept as I read about my newfound family, and that my Dad had wanted me but had not been given any choices or say in the decision-making at the time of my birth.
We made plans to meet during the upcoming weekend, and I like to say that it was love at first sight! We haven’t looked back and see each other as often as possible.
“I had tears in my eyes the first time my Mom got to meet my Dad, Bill. She hugged him and said, “thank you for my daughter,” and my Dad said, “thank you for raising my daughter”. ”
Evie (adoptive mom), Nancy, and Bill (birth father)
Even though I haven’t met my birth mother, I am grateful to her for giving me life and doing what she felt was best for me. I still hope that maybe one day we will meet, but I am so very grateful for my incredible family that I have around me. I have a special love and place in my heart for every one of them!
If you are facing unplanned pregnancy, perhaps adoption is the right choice for you. Adoption can be a very loving parenting choice. There are many misconceptions surrounding adoption, and it’s important to get all the facts. Adoption has changed. Though most adoptions in Canada were closed in the past, the majority are now open to varying degrees. Contact us today if you would like more information.